1.56: Hyperactivity

1.56: Hyperactivity

The six waitresses scurried from table to table like a choreographed dancing troupe.
One of them had to be the original waitress… probably… maybe…
But their movements were identical. Their smiles were synced. Even their blinks felt pre-programmed.

And as time passed, the smells drifting out of the kitchen mutated from “unsettling” to “dangerous.”
The moment the first dish left the pass-through, it was like someone detonated a scent bomb.

I winced. “I’m glad he’s having so much fun,” I muttered, half-laughing as I glanced at Rui.

The vampires started cheering and clapping as their dishes arrived, praising each other like a cult meeting gone very right.

Rui rolled her eyes. “I wish I had skills like that. Imagine being able to split your body. I’d get so much more done. My productivity would multiply.”

What productivity?
Kissing girls? Drinking tea with them? Harassing me?

I didn’t dare say this out loud. I valued my shins.

I nudged our table. Two empty glasses sat there, sad and forgotten.

“I wonder when we’re getting our tea,” I sighed.

“Yeah, I don’t kno—” Rui began.

But movement caught my eye.

Where there had been six waitresses…

…there were now twelve.

“Wha—?!” I blurted, flabbergasted. Akuchi apparently decided to go for high difficulty mode.

What was all that about being exhausted after splitting off a single additional form?

“He’s trying really hard,” Rui muttered, looking increasingly annoyed. “Now I’m getting worried about our plan.”

“TEA!”
A voice sang out behind me…

“YAAIIIIIII!!” I shrieked, leaping onto my seat like a startled cat.

“Please settle down, Susumu-sama!”
Akuchi struck a pose worthy of a gravure idol, one stockinged leg forward, her tray balanced on a hip. On it sat a steaming pot of tea and cups.

She dropped the tray onto the table with theatrical flourish.
“Your tea is served! And your food will be out soon! Ume suggested—”
She clapped her hands like a stage magician.
“—that we serve your order last!”

“WHY?!” Rui slammed both palms on the table. “My stomach is eating itself! That’s unacceptable!”

I raised an eyebrow. “How are you getting hungrier with these… awful odors filling the restaurant? It smells like the restaurant is melting down!”

Akuchi giggled. “Ahahaha! The appearance of her food is far better than the fragrance. As for taste, I cannot vouch for that yet!”

She slid into the seat beside me, her shoulder brushing mine.

My skin crawled. I launched up, standing up on the seat.

Rui’s annoyance sharpened into a glare.
“SWITCH SIDES WITH ME SUSUMU!”

“Huh?” I blinked, looking between them.

Suddenly every waitress in the restaurant froze.

Twelve identical faces slowly turned toward me at once.

And then they rushed us.

“PLEASE SIT PROPERLY SIR!”

“YOU’RE DISTURBING THE OTHER CUSTOMERS!”

“I’LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE IF YOU DON’T SIT DOWN!”

One of those was definitely the real waitress.

Probably …maybe.

“I-I’M SORRY!” I yelped, panicking and collapsing into my seat.

Would Akuchi actually eject me with the real waitress?!

All the waitresses grinned at me in a perfectly synchronized victory pose… even the real one.

My ears burned like charcoal briquettes.

The nearest Akuchi immediately latched onto my arm, clinging like a koala.

Rui’s eyebrow twitched.
Her aura darkened.
Her annoyance was practically a yokai perching on her shoulder.

“Go do your job, BAKA tanuki!” she barked at all twelve clones…
and especially at the one glued to me.

The Akuchi-waitresses cluttered tightly around our table, loosening shirts, lifting skirts just enough to give a peek at a white frilly… peering at me through long lashes, framing breasts between upper arms… sensually licking her lips.

“Don’t flirt with my body!” The real waitress finally snapped… loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear.

Every clone froze in spot…
Then they scattered like startled squirrels, scampering off, each making an impish face as they retreated.

They left the real waitress behind, trembling with indignation and looking exactly as annoyed as Rui.

She’d just been having fun. I guess Akuchi crossed a line.

“Awwww… if I change back, I can flirt all I want, right?” Akuchi asked innocently.

“NO.” Rui glowered so hard the air vibrated. With surprising speed, especially for someone her size, she crawled under the table like a feral gremlin and popped up at my other side, wedging herself between myself and Akuchi, grabbing my free arm.

I blinked. “Waaaahhh??”

She clung to me like a tiny jealous yakuza wife.

“…Huh?”

“This is improper behavior!” the flustered waitress sputtered at the lone lingering Akuchi, who was glaring at Rui with a clenched fist and twitching lips. 

“Change back immediately, you… you… screwed up shapeshifter! Be anything else you want, but NOT ME!”

She stomped hard enough to shake the table.
Akuchi ignored her, abruptly vanishing. I felt something scamper across my lap and in a poof, Akuchi was back in the waitress’ form, pressing her waitress-bosom against my arm where Rui was sitting.
And unless my eyes were lying, those breasts now were definitely bigger than the original’s.

“STOP DOING THAT!!”

Rui grabbed the serving tray with the fury of a deity wronged.
In her frenzy, she launched the teapot into the air and used the tray as a makeshift club in the air above us. I covered my head, pulling back as far into the seat as possible, whimpering, wincing at each and every hit…

THWACK! THWACK! BONG! DING! THWACK!

… beating Akuchi like a drum.

At least she isn’t hitting me this time… Scary!

“K-KYAAAAAAA!” Akuchi got flustered enough that her tanuki features leaked out. A civet’s tail and ears sprouted out as she howled dramatically, writhing like a silent-film actress.

Rui’s lip curled into a terrifying little snarl…
A perfect yakuza expression on a tiny, adorable demon girl.

She abruptly threw the tray down and reached around me and grabbed one of Akuchi’s long tanuki ears… and twisted.

I opened my mouth to intervene…  just in time for the flying teapot to arc downward and strike me directly in the forehead.

“GH—!”

Before the boiling contents could cascade over all of us…

Three Akuchis popped out from behind a nearby booth like emergency workers responding to a fire.

They grabbed the pot in midair after bouncing once off my head…

… but the spout flipped downward as they caught it.

Right into the first Akuchi’s lap.

The sound of hot liquid pouring down filled my ears.

“GYAAAAAA—!”
Akuchi shrieked and leapt up, her dance of agony, beating at her crotch as though her pubes were on fire. She danced on the table, making a bigger mess, kicking over our icewater.

Another Akuchi approached our table soon after the tea disaster… and beside her walked Ume, both balancing trays stacked with food like professionals.

Akuchi set everything down with flourish… plates, steaming bowls, my bubbling hotpot, Rui’s curry, our side dishes, sauces, utensils… until the table was so full we could barely see its surface.

Rui had swapped back where she was before while Akuchi was dancing. I was trapped in  the booth, without any chance of escape as Ume slid gracefully into the seat beside me, winking with a mischievous smile that warmed me straight to my ears.
“What a rush tonight has been! Fufufufufu~!” She giggled like a delighted spider wrapping up her prey.

Rui smiled reassuringly at me. Surprisingly reassuringly.

Then the Akuchi-waitress bowed deeply…
too deeply…
shamelessly emphasizing the absurd, exaggerated waitress’ bosom she’d conjured for herself.

“My work is complete!” she sang. “Please enjoy your meals everyone!”

POOF.

One vanished into smoke.

…
POOF POOF POOF POOF
All around the restaurant, identical puffs erupted like popcorn.

In the end, one exhausted, thoroughly depleted Akuchi, now back in her typical “girl-form”... collapsed to the floor in a heap, panting like a marathon runner who had been on a nonstop treadmill.

Rui whistled. “He way overdid it this time.”

“Y-yeah… I feel kinda bad for him—her—I mean…” I fidgeted. “She scurried around nonstop for the last hour to keep fifty-six diners fed. That’s insane.”

“Relax.” Ume took another elegant bite, patting her lips daintily. “She only needs some rest. Shape-shifting and cloning take energy. She’ll recover, as usual.” She leaned closer and whispered, “Susumu, eat before the food cools~”

I examined my hotpot.

Everything looked wonderful… The vegetables were vibrantly colored, proof of their freshness, the meat appeared to be very tender, the noodles were beautifully glistening… but everything smelled… questionable.

The ingredients individually smelled normal.
It was the broth that carried the mysterious, vaguely radioactive scent.

Still… it wasn’t like I hadn’t eaten questionable convenience store food before.

I shrugged, smiled, and started placing my ingredients into the rolling electric hotpot.
The broth bubbled gently, steam curling upward in inviting waves.

The meat cooked quickly.
The vegetables softened.
The noodles soaked up the flavor.

I took a bite.

…

……

…………

“DELICIOUS!!” I roared, chewing the tastiest beef I’d had in months.

Ume’s entire face lit up. “I’m so glad, Susumu!” she beamed, slurping her noodles. They were covered in a thick red sauce… tomato-based, most likely… hopefully.

“Um… how did you make it smell so strange when it tastes so amazing?” I asked, bewildered.

Rui stuffed curry rice into her mouth with tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Hahaha… this… this is the taste of love…” she sobbed.

Ume preened happily.

I glanced across the table at the untouched hamburger steak sitting in front of the collapsed Akuchi. It looked perfect…. juicy, beautifully browned, aromatic.

I wondered if it was as good as my food.

I nudged Akuchi’s leg with my foot.
Then poked again.
And again.

Her lashes fluttered.

“Mmmm… awake… Which Akuchi am I…?” she mumbled groggily. She’d reverted to her soft, feminine form when she’d lost consciousness. That was strange. Shouldn’t she have changed back into that first overly endowed man that I’d first met?

When you’ve lived as long as I have, gender becomes more of a suggestion or a hobby than any kind of constraint.

“You should eat!” I urged. “If it isn’t good, I’ll share mine with you! It’s incredible.” I ladled more meat and veggies into my broth enthusiastically.

“Thank you… oh… yes… there is food, isn’t there…?”
Akuchi rubbed her eyes and grinned faintly, finally lifting her utensils.

She took one bite.

Chewed.

Paused.

Her expression blanked.

Foam began to form at the corners of her mouth.

Then she fell over sideways like a sack of potatoes.

I nodded solemnly. “Yep. Called it.”

Illustrations Disclaimer: Locations aren't always 100% canon. Usually they are only representative. Character features and styles may stray a little now and again.

(I'm currently adding new illustrations to book 1 since its illustrations were sparse due to the technology that was available when I uploaded book 1.)

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