1.35: Pissing the Day Away

1.35: Pissing the Day Away

We left the convenience store at a jog, Rui storming ahead like an angry chibi general. She dragged the unfolded umbrella behind her so aggressively the tip scraped the asphalt.

CLICK CLICK CLACK

Each strike of that umbrella against the sidewalk echoed like train noises…
And those noises nearly snapped my soul in half, poignantly revisiting my trauma to me.

I swallowed hard. At least the street wasn’t pitch dark yet.
Small mercies.

Rui rummaged in her purse, yanked out her phone, stopped dead, and began furiously tapping the screen. I leaned against a fence, watching her as passing cars rumbled through the boulevard.

She caught my eye—
And suddenly grinned.
She winked with that mischievous, smug little look that screamed to me, “prepare yourself, baka.”

Then she struck a full-on idol pose.
The umbrella raised up like a stage mic.
For some strange reason she saluted me.

What… what is her career even supposed to be?
Loli detective by day… an underground idol gremlin by night?

The phone finally connected.

“Hey! It’s Rui-Rui!” she chirped with lethal cheer. “I’m in the area! Let’s start your stupid game ALL over again. I’ll find you this time! We’re in a hurry, so you’d better make it easy on me! Pretty Rui-Rui demands a favor!”

Oh no.
She absolutely does think she’s an idol.
Did she take a blow to the head when I caught her earlier?

I imagined posters going up all around Tokyo. Did they already exist?

Rui-Rui ☆ Oni Idol Detective Extraordinaire – Now Accepting Fan Donations (or Blood)

She waited, listening.

Then her face darkened.

“W—YOU SHITBAG CHEAPSKATE! I WILL FIND YOU ANYWAY! YOU BASTARD! I’LL FUCKING RIP OFF YOUR BALLS! DAMN IT!”

Rui shrieked pure yakuza energy into her phone.

Ok…

She was absolutely feral.
… absolutely terrifying.

People think I’m a criminal?

Fuck it…

Switch our faces and the police would be right on the money every time.

I imagined Rui with my face…
…and immediately regretted conjuring that kind of graphic, lurid imagery.

Wahahahahahahahahaha! I’d created an abomination in my mind. 

It doesn’t take too much imagination to nail it. Do your own work. I… just won’t go there.

“Come on!” she snapped at me.

In a blink, she led me up an alley, sprinting like a fired bullet.
I chased her like a confused dog trying to catch up with a hyperactive RC car.

Her fury escalated as we ran.

“MARCO POLO!” she screamed into her phone.

I tripped mid-step.

Marco… Pollo?

Wasn’t pollo Spanish for chicken?

Was it a chicken yokai instead?
A giant feathery tanuki-chicken hybrid?
Would he lay… chicken eggs?
Tanuki eggs?
Yokai eggs?!
Would she turn him into Tanuki brand fried chicken?

I really hoped not.
I did not need to witness supernatural omelet horror, let alone the last one...

“Marco!!” Rui yelled again, louder, whipping around corners like she was chasing a runaway toddler with Energizer batteries.

She led us into a dead-end alley.
She paused for a moment.
… and listened.
Nothing happened.

She spun 180 degrees and bolted back the way we came.

“MARCOOOOO!!!”

Oh no.

She had murder in her voice now.

Whoever this Marco was…
Tonight was probably his last night on Earth.

I jogged after her, irritation rising. She was acting like an actual deranged child, and time was draining away like my dwindling blood supply.

I yanked out my phone.

Twenty-three and five o’clock.
55 minutes left.
ONLY 55 MINUTES LEFT.

“RUI!!! Fifty-five minutes!! We’re running out of time! OH KAMI!!!” I screamed so loudly a passing cat hissed at me.

Rui froze. And turned her head slowly in a very scary way… She almost did that scary thing that haunted dolls are supposed to do…

“D…DAMN IT!” she roared.

Then she…

…

She took a deep breath…

…

“MARCOOOOOOO!!!”

She gave out a blood-curdling scream directly into the phone again…

…And kept ignoring me.

She was COMPLETELY ignoring me.

I collapsed onto the ground like a puppet whose strings had been cut, absolutely done with life. Let the trains take me. Let Noh-face take me. Let gravity finish the job. Anything!!!

Rui sprinted back and used me as a springboard…

“Ooooooof!”

She STEPPED on me…
And spun as she leapt the other direction.

“I’LL GET YOU… YOU BASTARD! YOU THINK YOU CAN CHEAT ME?!” she shrieked into the night.

Her tiny foot still hurt like hell.

“Nnnnngh…” I noh-groaned as she disappeared again.

…

…

Long moments passed. I lay there, done for.

…

…

“MOVE YOUR FUCKING USELESS ASS, SUSUMU! WE ARE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW!!!”

I scrambled upright, once again defeated by a teenage-looking gremlin half my size.

Though I was pretty much already dead, I was still deathly afraid she’d kill me!

Ayaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyai!!!!

D-dammit!!
Am I really going to die tonight over some weird ass yokai hide-and-seek game?!
Is this truly my fate?!
Is this how it ends?!

She led me straight back to the same dead end.

For the third time…

Seriously??
Is she stuck in a glitchy video game loop?
There’s NOTHING HERE… nothing but a huge WALL. Sure it was a bit out of place, but I couldn’t judge the landowners for their poor taste. It was the least of my troubles.

I had a rampaging oni on my hands…

“I’ve GOT YOU!” Rui screamed. “You know what… This wall’s too weird! This is definitely where you’re hiding! Why else would ANYONE wall this alleyway off?!”

She sprinted at the wall, dragging the umbrella behind her like a katana.

The tip scraped the ground, throwing sparks like a furious samurai in punk goth clothes.

SCRRRRRRCHHHH

…

…

THWACK!

An explosion of sound ricocheted through the alley as she futilely banged her umbrella against the wall. Again… Again… Again….

I stared at her. Was she out of her mind?

… I groaned. Maybe we were both out of ideas and energy.

I strode to the opposite wall to get some breathing space and mute her taping on her wall a little. And then slowly… rhythmically… repeatedly
I banged my helmeted head to clear my mind and suppress my urge to cry.

“Damn. Damn. DAMN. DAMN!!!”

*RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*

There suddenly was a minor earthquake. But I didn’t give a shit about that. Walls were supposed to be dangerous to stand next to in an earthquake. With any luck, maybe I’d end up out of my misery before midnight.

“MARCO!!! MARCO! MARCOOOOOO!! YOU DIRTY CHEATING RACCOON!!” Rui howled.

My helmet filled with tears. Positively filled. It wasn’t working! Nothing was! I nearly drowned in them.

Somehow the oni missed the earthquake. Either that or she was completely unfazed… or she was just hyperfixated on finding the tanuki.

Rui stomped in angry circles like a toddler denied candy.
Watching her was like watching my own past tantrums in third-person.
It was kind of soothing, but unsettling.

…

She abruptly looked at me and I flinched.

“Susumu… I’m sorry…” Rui whispered.

Her voice cracked.

She jabbed her phone aggressively and hung up.

Then she staggered away from me, her shoulders shaking.

Slowly…

She slumped onto her tiny butt. Her head drooped sideways. And she started crying… just like me.

Something inside my chest twisted at the sight.

Despite being a chaotic gremlin goddess, Rui was overwhelmingly strong and had a good heart.
If she was breaking down…
There wasn’t much hope left.

I cried again.
Though honestly I was probably still crying from before.

The stress built inside me like a boiler with a broken valve. Something surged within me.

It wasn’t the Noh-face rage…
Nope… it was much simpler than that…

Really stupid….

Rui had joked earlier about me pissing myself under stress.

She knew too much.
She understood me at an instinctual level.
It was truly terrifying.

My knees shook… dangerously.

She was still facing away from me… so it was safe—She was lost in her own despair.

…Which meant…

I could… uh…
Handle my problem discreetly.

I sighed.
I knew this was fucked up.
It was against the law.
This was humiliating.
But I was out of time and there was no other way.

It helped that I was completely out of dignity.
Out of options.

If I was going to die tonight, at least I’d go out with an empty bladder!

I lowered my bodysuit’s pants and…

A FIRE HOSE LITERALLY ERUPTED.

I shot backward like a launched missile as a steaming geyser blasted the wall.

The urine struck so hard the wall vibrated like it had been hit with a riot cannon.

I slammed into the opposite wall with enough force to leave a cracked human silhouette in it.

“Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!”

*SLAM*

I slid down, twitching, traumatized… and I wasn’t done yet.

A little time later as the flow finally sputtered to a sad, exhausted dribble, I clutched my helmet in despair.

I had literally pissed an impact crater onto the city.

Why?
Why does EVERYTHING have to be so exaggerated when you’re a Noh-face?!
Is this why Rui calls me a drama queen?!
I didn’t ASK for these STUPID ASS upgrades!

…

…

…

“WHAT… THE… HELL!! YOU FREAK!!”

A new voice roared through the alley.

It was deep.
Very annoyed.
Highly accented.

And as angry as the voice was, I was shocked that it wasn’t Rui.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MARCOOOO!!” Rui suddenly crowed in delight, leaping upright like someone resurrected from the dead.

I yanked my pants up immediately and prayed she hadn’t seen any of that.

She didn’t even blink.
Without a doubt she had.
But she didn’t flinch.
And she didn’t care.

She pointed her umbrella at the wall I’d just painted yellow.

“There you are! I love you Susu. You sure know how to make revenge sweet! Ehehehe!” She cackled.

“D…damn. Polo…” grumbled the strangely intact wall. The crater was in the pavement next to it, not in it, but the whole thing was utterly soaked. It was literally saturated with my…

I noh-gaped.

It…

…THE WALL TALKED.

THE WALL WAS TALKING BACK.

It’s a wall yokai?!
A haunted wall??
What would a wall resent enough to become a yokai?!
Nails? Posters? Weather damage?
…Being pissed on???

Oh yeah… that would do it…

The wall suddenly burst outward in a cyclone of leaves…
…all of which looked… incredibly soggy.

Standing in the debris was a man.

Partially a man.
Partially a tanuki.
Which meant he was a raccoon.
Very, very soaked...

With dark skin….
He had black, curly hair pulled back by a multicolored headband.
A pair of soggy round tanuki ears dotted with black spots.
A big droopy tail that might have been fluffy...
Wearing a dripping, soaked hoodie.
And strangely… a skirt.

Was it actually a man?
Whatever it was, it just kept dripping.

He looked exactly like a pissed-off forest deity forced to deal with human stupidity in the worst possible way.

And judging by the soggy leaves… my piss stream had definitely nailed his hiding spot.

He stared at us for a long moment…
… then declared with all the frustration of a prankster who'd played his last game…

“Worst. Day. Ever.”

I made Mexican Chicken for dinner and it turned out purrily using a couple of the new pans that Shinji Hinako bought me for Christmas! Picture included below! <3 =^.^= It's garnished with sauteed green bell pepper in olive oil!

Illustrations Disclaimer: Locations aren't always 100% canon. Usually they are only representative. Character features and styles may stray a little now and again.

(I'm currently adding new illustrations to book 1 since its illustrations were sparse due to the technology that was available when I uploaded book 1.)

<3 If you join our Discord server, don't just lurk. It's a rule! <3